Always

I've seldom seen more beauty and poise, even with your swollen eyes, puffy from experiencing things unexpected. I've hardly known more grace during moments of less-than-triumph, or seen someone with a more of a perfect outlook when all I see is that dim fragment of bitterness that though starts out small, in its smallness swallows. I see you as a matchless form of balance and control, of goodness and steadiness. (It makes me want to be like you, so I too can emulate such brightness). You stun me with your understanding elegance and understated virtue. You are strong. Standing splendid.

I've thought about ways to make a form like you for me to grow into. Or maybe ways of possibly making myself flat so a giant cookie-cutter-you could come down to trim off my roughnesses. I've pondered ways to frost myself like you do, or maybe just make a compression mold. (You taught me about those). I think of you. Always.

And I love you true.

Complimentary

Maybe it's the color theory classes that seem to attach themselves inseparably in my mind, or maybe it's just my obsessive compulsiveness, but everyday I look for two things: contrast, and complimentary colors. Lately, finding complimentary colors is as easy as finding leaves on the walks.

I dreaded the anticipated 20 minute walk home from campus before I moved in this semester, but I have grown to love time to think, see, feel, and just be. Today's walk unfolded a flood of compliments and in a way I felt like it was a way of Him reminding me that He's there and preparing a place for me; that he loves me. The red tops of trees were stark against the evergreens. The purple pansies were nestled in piles of golden leaves. And I had to pause and stare at the absolutely stunning sight of the yellow Aspens interrupting the forever endlessly blue sky. You know the kind. Deep. Penetrating. And pure.

Magician

6:13 Alarm #1 goes off. Snooze.
6:20 Alarm #1 rings. Snooze.
6:27 Alarm #1 blares. Snooze.
6:34 Alarm #1. Snooze.
6:37 Alarm #2 rings. Snooze.
6:41 Alarm #1. Snooze.
6:44 Alarm #2 sounds. Snooze.
6:47 Alarm #1 see above. Snooze.
6:52 Alarm #2 buzzes. Snooze.
6:54 Alarm #1. Discontinue.
6:59 Alarm #2 chimes. Snooze
7:00 Alarm #3 sounds. Snooze.
7:06 Alarm #2. Discontinue.
7:07 Alarm #3 beeps. Snooze.
7:14 Alarm #3. I roll out of bed. Finally.
7:15 a moment of daily devotion
7:18 mosey to the bathroom, turn on the shower, wait for the water to heat up enough that I get in.
7:19 shower.
7:21 get out. Vigorously towel my hair.
7:23 get dressed. Nylons and all.
7:25 blowdry my hair.
7:35 makeup.
7:40 blowdry.
7:42 straighten
7:46 brush my teeth.
7:48 put on my shoes and grab my bag.
7:49 put in toast.
7:50 eat toast in the car.
7:58 clock in.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Settled

My mind had been at war for several days. Normalcy became maintaining sanity and preserving what little sense I felt I had left. But something changed.

And I've felt peace.

It was after reading through my favorite parts of this that I was lead to a series of references that not only spoke to my mind, but helped to calm my disquieted heart. In his address, he instructed us to substitute the phrase, "enabling and strengthening power" for the word "grace" when we came across the word in our scripture study. I took this advice and applied it to one of my favorite sections of scripture. With the slight alteration, it reads:

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
By whom also we have access by faith into this enabling and strengthening power wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience; and experience hope:
And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

A few parts struck me. Firstly, that it is through Christ that we are able to stand. It feels like lately I have been mentally, emotionally and spiritually weak; unable to stand. But through the enabling and strengthening power I can. And I can do it in an attitude of rejoicing and hope.

While I was sitting on the front pew Sunday morning, the words floated from the pulpit and penetrated my uneasy self. I realized that I was not alone--not in a spiritual sense, nor a physical one--but that I have guidance always and people always. People who are, in many senses, instruments in the hand of God to bring me closer to Him. This brought me comfort. My mind recalled a few verses that put the last few weeks in perspective, that opened my eyes to the whys and held me in a place of understanding.

It's always surprising to me how many times we have to be reminded of the Lord's unfailing love for us, and that because of His love, no doors are left unopened. Stumbling blocks may get in our way, but using these as stepping stones to higher ground, I know that with faith I can be strengthened, and I can be safe, and I can give love unfeigned. Because that's what I believe in.

Crunchy

I thought this post by La Penseuse Viable was beautiful.

I do the same. One of my favorite things is finding the smashed bits of leaves on the front mat that show me I've been out crunching.

But the best thing about fall is riding your bike in it. The wind finds the holes in your sweater and climbs inside to make you feel little bits of chill all over. It's refreshing and wonderful and I'm definitely one who needs a chill. A big fat chill in my head. Please bless it comes quickly.

Waves

I feel pummeled. It seems like there has been so much turbulence to withstand lately. But less like wind and more like water. Like a constant set of waves, one after the next they pound and crash, and as soon as they recede enough for me to get air back in my lungs and have a moment of peace, the next set rolls in and smashes me back into the abrasive sand. My skin has never been so smooth. And my soul has never felt more bruised.

All the talk of this has really gotten to me. News delivered yesterday was like salt in my already stinging wound and it all culminated during the intermission and resulted in a night of hot tears.

I'm like a well of conflicting feelings. I feel for people and I believe in people and equality and the freedoms that America guarantees. I know that God is Love, that perfect love casteth out fear. I believe in a loving, merciful God who loves all of his children. But I don't think that's the issue. The problem is I feel like standing in opposition to this proposition is like breaking a commandment or holding hands with the devil. And that's the last thing I want to do.

I want to be able to get a phone call from my uncle and just be able to espouse pure, unreserved, unquestioned excitement and happiness. The bottom line is that I am happy and at peace when he is happy and at peace. Aren't the painful things sometimes the most beautiful?

This surprised me, and this was interesting. I understand this (although I still have problems with parts of this). And I think everyone should read this.

Most of all I want my insides to quiet and reconcile themselves. I spend so much time finding common ground with others it seems like I've neglected trying to find common ground between my heart and my head. I have spent so long abiding by principles of pure charity, and now I feel confronted, like I'm putting my love to the test. But what I can't quite pin down is what love asks of me. And I hope I can figure it out before I drown in the next onset of waves.

Poli-Ticks

There are several people who ask me why I am such an Obama supporter. Sometimes it feels like lifting up your sleeve and revealing a swastika tattooed in black ink when people ask me who I align myself with.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

The questions I always ask people is how much of their own research they have done, and what issues matter most to them. I, for one, have always been a proponent of women's rights. I think equal pay is a no-brainer, and discrimination of any sort is intolerable. In this light, I would like to draw your attention to voting records of a certain Republican Presidential Candidate who seems like a man that would uphold the rights of women (he did, after all, choose one as his VP pick) but these two NAYs (among other things) have lead me to believe that women in particular should wonder about casting their vote in his direction.

And I'm not alone. One of my professors is an avid Obama supporter. He sent me several links about things he's written and other online sources laying out policies and setting records straight.

Here are a few:
Obama in 30 Seconds
Obama Speaks for Himself
Energy Independence and the Safety of Our Planet
The War in Iraq
The Great Need of Our Hour

The final word, Obama doesn't eat babies or harbor white child slaves. He's not a terrorist or a socialist or any other "ist." I believe he is honest, hard working and smart. Most of all, I believe that he is crossing boundary lines that have never been challenged. Colin Powell said it right in this endorsement video.

Gobama .

Un

Sometimes you feel overwhelmed all at once. Or you don't. It just depends. But you don't know why. Other times you feel short, or small, or scared, or too inadequate. Or you don't. And you may know why. And still, other times, you feel uncertain, unsettled. The feeling is so deeply rooted in your heart and your gut that when I step back to take a good look at you, your thoughts interrupt me and I'm stopped wondering why you are the way you are. In all your sometimes goodness and sometimes rightness. Why can you just be. Just be. Steady. Secure. Safe. Still. Settled. Sound.




Sure.

Beauty

I got into a lengthy conversation about what obligation artists have to portray beauty and humanity. One person said that we need to tear down the media's portrayal of beauty and I'm not entirely sure this is true. But I do think that man is always trying to cover up what is ugly about man and that isn't always healthy or progressive.

I posed a suggestion that I have stood by for a long time. It was simply this: Spend the most time with what you are uncomfortable with. Especially in art. Let it, whatever it may be, confront you. Let it challenge you. And most of all let it make you think. Let me make you consider why you think it ugly or provocative. Let it make you wonder what makes you cringe or shudder or stare.

I think that one of the most beautiful things about humanity is our ability to find beauty in places that seem devoid of anything that resembles such. Trials are beautiful. Contention can beget grace, elegance, and exquisiteness. We see the small and the weary and find the painfully beautiful moments. And treasure them.

That is what is beautiful about humanity. It is not the facade of perfection, the unspotted tapestry that supposedly unites us. No, this covering only serves as something we use shade our eyes from the sun when things get too bright, or to hold on to when we don't think we can move with the currents.

Autumn

I love when the October air starts to feel like an Autumn leaf. It smells orange and transitionary. It feels crispy. Soon enough the sounds of Fall accompany the smells and festive feelings in the air. Walking will be crunchy and in the mornings I'll see my breath in the air as I walk the tree lined path to campus. And I'll breathe in the season, because the changes remind me that I am alive.

NAMI

Read up. Watch up. My family is famous.

Congratulatory

I've been accused of being self-congratulatory for saying something to the effect of, "I just don't know how I can even contain all the love I have in my heart for her." Well let me just set the record straight.

If one, when I'm talking about you I grab my heart and roll my shoulders forward while sighing deeply or two, can't find much to say beyond, "I just absolutely love [insert name here]!" you can pretty much assume I'd give you my kidney if you needed it. No joke.

I will admit, however, that on Friday I had a moment that I was not only self-congratulatory about, but outright boastful. But I honestly think the feat merited the bragging. Many of you are familiar with the Rent-A-Cop Mock Cops that BYU Policemen are. All it takes is to read the weekly report put out by the university newspaper to see that in all honesty, the don't have a whole lot to deal with. My favorites from the newest edition?

Sept. 16: Police responded to a call about three males with nets and a broom at the pond south of campus. The men were apparently trying to capture a duck. The officer told the men to leave and leave the ducks alone.

Sept. 16: Police received a call that a 21-year-old male was distributing literature about veganism near the Tanner building. Police asked him to move off campus. The man was not associated with the university.

Sept. 16: Residents of Taylor Hall reported three males making noise and pounding on their windows, including one dressed in a Spiderman costume. Police discovered they were residents from May Hall. The students explained they were bored and looking for something to do.

Sept. 17: A female walking near Maeser Hill reported seeing a middle-aged male with shoulder-length blonde hair wearing nothing but tennis shoes and a baseball cap. The man was gone when police arrived.

Sept. 17: A suspicious male was reported loitering in the parking lot by the J. Reuben Clark Building. When police arrived, the man explained he was selling his motorcycle and waiting for a potential buyer.

Sept. 20: Two men in attendance at the football game began to argue about a call on the field. One hit the other in the face. Officers intervened and the two apologized to each other, resolving the situation.

Sept. 20: A female student reported receiving a threatening out-of-state phone call at 3 a.m. The caller mentioned killing another person. Police believe it was a random phone call.

Sept. 21: A male student reported receiving vulgar and threatening text messages from out of state. The case has been turned over to detectives for investigation.

So they spend their time issuing thousands of parking tickets wrapped in bright green envelopes, and bullying students out of parking in visitor lots. But I had a serious victory over the BYU parking Nazi Regime on Friday.

I had to take the chillins to school because the 'rents were in PC for the weekend. So after running Lil' Lou to school, I took Mogli and by the time I was driving home realized I definitely didn't have time to walk. So I decided that I'd kick my smooth talking persuader skills into high gear and charm my way into the visitor's lot. OlderAndWiserToo was skeptical. I was confident.

I drove up in the 'cedes to the ticket booth and rolled down the window (a luxury Brian doesn't afford me). The Pseudo-Cop asked, "Are you a student" to which I honestly repsponded, "Yes sir I am. But . . ." and I proceeded to explain how my poor car was stranded at my parent's house and so I was using their car to run my siblings around before I had to be at work at 8 and that I would only be on campus until I got off at eleven and my parking pass that I ordered in the mail hasn't come yet so I can't park my car on campus even if I wanted to. I batted my eyes a bit and may have flaunted some girlish charm to seal the deal. Eventually, rolling his eyes, he handed over the blessed little purple paper which I proudly stuck on my windshield.

As soon as I turned the key and locked the doors, I promptly sent a few gloating text messages which were returned with messages of disbelief and hate for the fact that I can "get whatever I want" (which is wholly untrue). It just goes to show that parking is a sensitive issue for the fellow Cougs. But I am beating the system, one flirty parking sticker by one.

Reasons

Reasons why today was great:
1. I spruced up my bike. It almost looks shiny and new.
2. I had a meeting with my professor and got good ideas about the direction I'm headed and also a few projects to tackle this year (week, semester...)
3. I was inspired by a play
4. I wrote down good ideas
5. My class got out early
6. I saw Fresin on campus and had a lengthy chat
7. I bought new running shoes
8. I had dinner made for me
9. The debate was surprising
10. We made pumpkin cookies

Some

Sometimes something someone says in a whisper is the scariest thing you could ever hear. Because you think it could be true.