I thought a lot about this as I went to sleep. Why do I feel like I'm only living my life when Ada is sleeping? Don't I know that being Ada's mama is my life right now?
I know, I know. Don't be too hard on yourself. Every mother knows that you need a break now and then. But I felt like I needed to have a pep-talk with myself and resolve to live during awake times and enjoy them as well. I don't pause my life when Ada wakes, I un-pause and play. I need to make her awake time my awake time mentally, physically and emotionally, and recharge when she's down. Basically, I need to make better use of my time.
It's not that I don't enjoy being with my daughter. I do. In fact, it's one of my favorite things. When she's making me laugh, or we're reading together, something rises up within me and says, Yes. This is what it feels like to love and be alive. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss alone time. Or time to go out when ever I want and not have to plan my day around naps. Wait when do naps happen again in Bologna? We're still figuring that out.
Things will get easier when Ada isn't waking up 3 or 4 times at night and taking 35 minute naps. I think my perspective may just be one that has been narrowed by sleep deprivation, or jet lag, or both. And I'm confident that I'll get over this hump soon because that's what happens when you're a mom; you struggle for a bit until you get to the next landing pad where things feel good for a short while, and then you launch again into a whole new set of discoveries and difficulties.
Speaking of discoveries and difficulties: did I mention that Ada has two teeth popping up? I think the pressure on the airplane made them finally break the surface. It makes her look way too grown up . . .
|Can you see 'em down there? Time to update the baby book!!|