I have confidence in sunshine

I've been thinking about confidence lately. Mostly, I've been thinking about what affect others' confidence in me has on my behavior.

In a letter I recently got from my dad, he said I am a "good and attentive mother". He has confidence in my ability to mother Ada.
My grandparents have confidence in my art.
Mike has confidence in my testimony.

In general, I think others' confidence in us makes us more confident in ourselves. But why is this so? Is it because we believe them? Is it because we feel a responsibility to live up to their confidence in us? No matter where the motivation stems from, I'm grateful to be surrounded by people who believe in me.

If I could pick a theme that I learned over and over again in 2011 it would be that I am more capable than I thought I was. I think we all are more capable than we think we are. We are capable of so much because we are divine beings. We have a spiritual pedigree that is far beyond our comprehension. Our spirits animate our bodies. And our spirits were created by an omniscient Father. And we can be endowed with as much power and help from Him as we ask for.

In that spirit, two of my resolutions are to: 1) Ask for help more readily, and 2) Let others know that I have confidence in them.

Guess who has top teeth?

Refraining from resolving

I've thought a lot about resolution making the past few days (while I wasn't thinking about how to put my house together). I thought of a few things I could resolve to do, a few improvements I could make. I've always liked the idea of resolutions, fresh starts, goals. I also like that just a week after we celebrate the birth of our Savior, we resolve to be more like him and improve ourselves through his atoning power.

But this year of resolution-making has been different. One resolution (if you can even call it that) came easy: Become a Mom. But I stop every time I get close to making another goal. There are too many unknowns to try and anticipate the sort of resolutions I'll need/want/be able to handle.

So I decided that I'll hold off on resolutions until my baby girl arrives. What a better new beginning? Her arrival will mark a distinctly new chapter of my life. And while I'm sure my parenting slate will dirty quickly, I get to start with a clean one. Until then, I'll resist the impulse to join with the rest of the world in resolving to improve in various ways--that is, until my life is turned upside down and I'm sure I'll need resolutions and goals more than ever.

Grow

It's a long time coming, but I haven't felt like I've had a solid bunch of resolutions to commit myself to yet. I love New Year's Resolutions, even silly ones, like the one I wrote in 2005 to "Eat a hotdog on the roof" or "paint my toenails green." They're spontaneous, and motivating, and stretching, and building. Those are the best things about them.

Instead of lengthy lists of the past, I think I'll just do three this year. Simple ones, that can grow with me.

1. Make my good habits consistent habits.
2. Serve before I play.
3. Sleep. It's about time.

Last year I resolved to do numerous things. I didn't run a triathlon, and I only made it to 3 countries, but I grew. (And taking baths, and a little time for TLC paved the way for doing so).

Pizza

Perhaps it is because I was deprived a kitchen for 2 months in London, or possibly I'm just finally accepting my sphere of domesticity, but I have spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen the past few days. Yesterday I made the dough for today's pizza crust. This morning I made the marinara sauce. And after work I set my hands to the stone kneading and rolling dough, and chopping and sautéing veggies for the toppings. I revamped and put together several recipes, sort of making up my own version of a conglomeration of good eats. Here's what I came up with. Mom told me it was beginner's luck. I think I'm a prodegy and am going to assume the name Wolfgang Puck.


I'm not quite sure how to quantify the recipes, but here are some educated guesses.

Crust
3 1/2 cups flour
1 cup warm water
2 tablespoons yeast
2 tablespoons honey
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 teaspoon salt

Knead. Raise 45 minutes. Punch it down. Raise another hour or so. Refrigerate for later use or roll out. Bake at 400 for 20 minutes or so (already sauced, cheesed and topped) on a baking stone or heavy duty cookie sheet lightly oiled and dusted with corn meal.

Sauce
1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste
6 fluid ounces warm water (just fill up the empty can of tomato paste)
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
1 teaspoon minced garlic
2 tablespoons honey
3/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
1/4 teaspoon dried marjoram
1/4 teaspoon dried basil
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/8 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

Mix in a small bowl. It's pretty tricky.

Pizza
Ricotta Cheese
Mozzerella Cheese
Red Onions
Zucchini
Yellow Squash
Artichoke Hearts
Mushrooms
Orange and Yellow Bell Peppers
Tomatos
Sprinkle with Feta and Parmesan

Sauté veggies with some olive oil and a bit of basil, oregano and rosemary. Not too long, remember they're going to bake in the oven as well. Spread the sauce over the crust. Smear Ricotta and Mozzerella over the sauce, veggies over the cheese, Feta and Parmesan over the veggies. Bake for about 20 minutes at 400 or until the crust is golden brown.

Pause

I'm sure most of us have encountered the scenario when you are walking towards a cross walk and are then met with a moment of indecision when the hand starts flashing, but you're still 20 yards away from the street. Usually, my time is so short and things are planned so tightly that I put on my speed walking legs and barely make it as the light for oncoming traffic turns green.

Today I

took

a

breath

and waited.

It was a pleasant wait. I appreciated the stingy cold that brushed past my face that contrasted my warm body buried under layers of clothes; like I was a deep radiating core of magma surrounded by protective layers. Mmmm. Cozy.

Soon enough the light turned and I began my silent walk home. I paused by a tree that I pass multiple times every day on my way to and from campus. I gazed up at its canopy of branches and let my eyes feast on the multicolored bark. It testified to me that God truly is the Master Artist.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
[ee cummings]

Gravity

I started in on my resolutions and so far so good. I got home from a rigorous first day of class around 4:30, mosied into my room, and felt my body go limp. I let the effects of gravity move me slowly from the chair as I slid to the floor and thought, "I should be doing something productive right now..." The problem came when there wasn't really anything for me to do. Darn these easy beginnings!

Then it hit me. TAKE A BATH! Perfect. So I grabbed my book and decided to spend an hour reading and relaxing.

I settled in and immersed myself up to my chin. I love the sounds you can hear underwater. There was a hub of activity going on in the next apartment that seemed to be magnified through the bath and submerging somehow forced waves of sound into my ears along with the water pressure. I took a deep breath. I felt myself float. I exhaled. I sunk. I remembered that gravity is remarkable and let myself have a moment of wonderment about how it is that gravity holds everything together.

I read for a good hour. Hopefully I'll read the bulk of it before classes really pick up. Hopefully.

Flummoxed

So I've been slightly passive and neglectful about my newfound resolutions, but it didn't really feel like the new year until I was back in the dorms. Now that I'm back here and getting into a routine again I can start my resolutions and reaffirm my commitment to keep them.

Today's word:

flummox
flum·mox (flŭm'əks)
To confuse; perplex.

Resolved

With the New Year ringing in, resolutions are expected and they are something I've been known to go over board on. Two years ago I had over 72 things written down to complete/improve upon in the year of '06. Granted, some were just random things like: eat a hot dog on the roof, but others were of a more serious nature and were used to stretch me. I documented all of them in my journal and dated the checklist as I completed each item. This year I think I'll do a bit of the same, force myself on erratic escapades but also include the areas of my life I earnestly want to strive to refine. Here's just a few.

1. Use the Thesaurus. I want to learn {and use} a new word every day. How cool would it be to wind up with over 300 new words in my vocabulary.
2. Take more baths. Every person should resolve to take more baths. Scrunch yourself into your {in my case, tiny} tub and immerse your ears, just to listen to the beat of your own heart.
3. Don't forget the little things. Little things are like saying morning prayers, stopping to help someone, taking out your ear phones on campus and appreciating the air, having real intent, genuinely caring . . . maybe this one is too broad . . .
4. Travel to 4 different countries. This could be hard and if needs be, I might have to count California as a foreign land.
5. Run a Triathlon. It was funny, a good friend made the same resolution and it made me smile. Hopefully Mom and I will be able to conquer the feat together {hint hint}
6. Read a book that sounds boring. This may sound like a strange one, but I think it's important to learn to give everything a chance.
7. Do something that scares me. I don't really know what scares me, so this will have to be more carefully defined as I hone in on what it is that makes me feel unnerved.
8. Eat a strange food. I've seen weird things hanging in butcher shop windows and watched this guy who eats things I wouldn't even dream of sampling and it has inspired me to broaden my horizons, and my taste buds.
9. Get up Water Skiing. As embarrassing as it is, waterskis have been the bane of my Lake Powell existence. Everyone says "you just pop up!" well I've never popped and my 5 year old cousins kick my trash on the skis. Even wakeboarding was easier, but I feel like a familial outcast because my waterskiing skills are exceptionally sub-par.
10. Sketch. I miss the days when my sketchbook followed me everywhere and my eyes were constantly observing, feasting, waiting to prey upon the next great thing to grab me and follow the fluid motion of my hand as I translate it into lines and shapes on paper. This means, I need to buy a new one.