Thursday, October 23, 2008


I feel pummeled. It seems like there has been so much turbulence to withstand lately. But less like wind and more like water. Like a constant set of waves, one after the next they pound and crash, and as soon as they recede enough for me to get air back in my lungs and have a moment of peace, the next set rolls in and smashes me back into the abrasive sand. My skin has never been so smooth. And my soul has never felt more bruised.

All the talk of this has really gotten to me. News delivered yesterday was like salt in my already stinging wound and it all culminated during the intermission and resulted in a night of hot tears.

I'm like a well of conflicting feelings. I feel for people and I believe in people and equality and the freedoms that America guarantees. I know that God is Love, that perfect love casteth out fear. I believe in a loving, merciful God who loves all of his children. But I don't think that's the issue. The problem is I feel like standing in opposition to this proposition is like breaking a commandment or holding hands with the devil. And that's the last thing I want to do.

I want to be able to get a phone call from my uncle and just be able to espouse pure, unreserved, unquestioned excitement and happiness. The bottom line is that I am happy and at peace when he is happy and at peace. Aren't the painful things sometimes the most beautiful?

This surprised me, and this was interesting. I understand this (although I still have problems with parts of this). And I think everyone should read this.

Most of all I want my insides to quiet and reconcile themselves. I spend so much time finding common ground with others it seems like I've neglected trying to find common ground between my heart and my head. I have spent so long abiding by principles of pure charity, and now I feel confronted, like I'm putting my love to the test. But what I can't quite pin down is what love asks of me. And I hope I can figure it out before I drown in the next onset of waves.


Pancake said...

You know, sometimes it is best to follow your gut feelings. From my experiences in life, it is finding peace that leads to happiness. That peace isn't defined by others, only we can find the peace in our own lives. I know that I find peace when I stick to what I believe. I believe that each individual has right and a responsibility to themselves to choose what they become in this life. And that nobody deserves to be ridiculed or segregated against. My advice to you is to do what feels right to YOU and let the consequences follow.

Millas said...

Well I know that a lot of people do not agree with me, actually, I keep my mouth shut when anyone talks about that or anything to do with Gay marriage, I've never wanted to take sides before y you know why.
The hardest thing you can do, most of the time, is the right thing love.
Who do you love more, that is the question. We all know my answer y I support prop 8 y will no longer sit on the fence fearing that I might offend people I do care about.
You can still love them, only it will come to a point, if it hasn't already, I haven't seen you since labor day, that your uncle will say;
"If you love me, why do you follow that church?"
That day is rapidly approaching in my life, I still waiting for that call.

Jen said...

Paige, I think you and I might share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings on this issue. My boyfriend and I discuss this all the time because we both grew up in families that were very anti-gay rights while constantly participating in activities that were filled with members of the gay community. One of my very best friends is gay and I really don't think I can feel comfortable with myself knowing that I would inhibit his happiness (particularly since I do not believe he chose to be who he is). When the Church made such bold statements a month ago, it upset me, not because I don't believe completely in our Prophet and leaders, but because, as an issue that almost no one on this earth can really comprehend and understand, I become extraordinarily frustrated when church mixes with intense political issues.

I think I will forever be at odds when it comes to deciding what I believe. I know that I want my best friend to be happy and I know the church's stance on gay marriage. But I also know that it is an issue that exceeds the scope of my understanding.

The only thing that seems to help me maintain peace is knowing that I am doing all that I can to be Christlike, and part of that means I strive to treat them with genuine love, regardless of choice of partner.

I hate these grey areas.

Oh, and I loved that commentary on the consequences of Prop 8. I've been trying to tell people that for weeks, but they all seem to buy into the propaganda so easily.

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