I had a bit of a break down yesterday. It came out of nowhere and probably stemmed from a lack of sleep more than anything (Dear Ada, when will you sleep again like you did at 2 months? Remember the 9 hour stretches?)
It came all at once and left me dissolved to tears about nothing in particular (but it felt like it was about everything in particular. You know, I have to give Ada a bath tomorrow and bathe myself, and leave the house by 10. How did my life get so hard?)
Retrospectively I think most of us would agree that our meltdowns are silly, but in the moment they are serious and paralyzing. I also think that we have mini-breakthroughs in moments where facing a flood of tears makes us face questions that may have been pressing to be heard. Jack Johnson sings "I hope this old train breaks down, so I can take a walk around." I think I really needed the walk around. That's what breakdowns allow us to do.
I was asked this past weekend if my life was isolating. It might seem so, I answered. But gratefully I haven't felt isolated. The Italians are a warm and though I can't speak their language well (at all) yet, I feel communicated with. My day-to-day routine isn't glamorous or exciting, but it's comfortable and sweet.
But the question was like a canker sore. I thought about it over and over. It may have sowed the discontented sadness. Who knows.
I realized in it all that I missed my husband. Yes, we were together more over the last weekend than we had been in the days previous, but it felt like it had been many, many days since I had had a meaningful conversation with him. And he's the only person to have real conversation with. He's my person. And I realized that he too missed having me as his person.
We sat on the couch and held each other and came to understand a little better what it means to be husband and wife and what it means be intentional about our relationship. It was one of the sweetest moments since we've arrived.
And one of the biggest goals I made for myself while we're here started to happen: the closeness I feel to my little family swelled and grew even more. I might be bursting by the end of this adventure.