Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Bright and shiny happy formulas

I painted yesterday. Both girls were sleeping, Ada in her bed and Liv in her bassinet within arms reach. It was another "I got this" sort of afternoon. Until it wasn't, because those bright and shiny moments are fleeting—though somehow they sustain you through the longer darker ones.

Que fussing baby (what happened to my ever-so-placid babe?!) and a toddler who was so content gluing paper flowers on construction paper and talking about friends she's met once or probably won't ever see again that it sent her already guilt-prone mother into a guilt spiral. I felt guilty for not trying harder to expand her circle of friends here. I felt bad for missing out on opportunities she would have loved because they seemed too hard for me. I felt bad for Liv who is the current back-burner child that gets nursed on demand, but that's about it. And I felt lonely for the first time in a long while. And all of the sudden everything felt hard. Hard to get dinner on. Hard to pick up. Hard to get kids to bed. Hard to even think about facing another night that might be sleepless and difficult. (It was only a few nights before where all four of us were on the couch around 3 AM. Three of us were crying. I'll let you guess who the one holding it together was.)

But I guess this is what it takes to recognize the bright and shiny moments.

My best friend as told me about "happy formulas." Everyone's is different, but it's important to know yours and make it happen the best you can. I think all of us at our house are just reformulating right now. And I'm not worried. Things will work themselves out and everything will feel (relatively) smooth again. I'm beginning to understand what I need to be happy (and make everyone around me happy). Here's what I've got so far: I know it is at least one-part Haagan-Dazs Salted Caramel Truffle ice cream. See? On the right track already, right?


thepalmierifamily said...

It's ok to cry and it's ok to struggle, because in those moments you feel a sweet and loving Heavenly Father reach His arms around you and sustain you. And it's ok to put the baby on the back burner. She'll never ever know. At least you're feeding her. :) And be glad that you're not potty-training and cleaning up pee and poop constantly. Trust me it's not fun, and even less fun when your brain has a hard time functioning on no sleep. Lucky for me cleaning the poop off the kitchen chair this morning, it didn't smear. Try not to mentally picture this one!!!

Meg Morley Walter said...

But really. You're my idol.

Ann said...

I've been following your blog for awhile now and have never found it to be more relatable than now. I have a two-year-old boy, and I just had a baby girl three weeks ago. Just know the feelings, frustrations and worries you express are all things I've recently felt. It's a comfort to me to read your words. Thanks for posting. Keep up the awesome job. It sounds like your a fabulous mommy to your beautiful girls.

Brianna Smith said...

Your words and Julie's reminded me of just about a week ago in my life. I love that we have our little families to help us get through those tough moments. Whether it's a husband's hold, a funny little toddler moment, or even some good ol' sweets. You are so brave! Thinking of you!

mjots said...

Love you lots and lots. And miss you lots and lots. Let's live in the same city again sometime soon K?

Amy and Mark said...

I love this side of you--not that I love that you're struggling and sleep deprived or anything(!!)--but I love that you're really opening up about this huge life change of yours. You are doing an amazing job! I'd be crying EVERY DAY so way to go! Don't feel guilty about any of those things. You made it to the LIBRARY today! AND the grocery store. That's huge. You're amazing. I need to meet miss Liv. xoxo

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