Monday, January 28, 2008


I have been pondering a lot lately on how fragile everything is. It's a wonder sometimes that the world keeps such perfect time and stays in step--there are just so many variants.

My life feels like a great balancing act. I have so many concerns and worries, so many to-dos and pendings, so many deadlines and looming projects. I feel like there are so many unknowns, like everything is just suspended momentarily, waiting to slide one direction or the other. I just hope I'm prepared for the avalanche. I've thought a lot about the fragility of life, of relationships, of things that seem so set and stable, but in a moment of inattentiveness, I unblur my eyes to find change, surprise--a startled awakening. I am tired of unknowns. I guess much of what drives life is the mystery of what's next, but sometimes I don't want to think about it, and other times I just want to know.

I'm scared for him because I love him. If I didn't love there would be no reason to fear the hole that would be left when he leaves. Maybe I just need to reassess. "Perfect love casteth out fear." I know I need not fear because I am supremely provided for, but at times my love can't conquer my fears. I'm not scared for him. I know that it is merely a step in our progression, a large dose of relief from mortal burdens and cares. I'm scared for me, for not having him there for guidance and love. For not having ready access to his wisdom and creativity.

I love.

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