Tuesday, August 12, 2008


One 16 oz water with a spoonful of psyllium husk mixed in
Drink quickly, the psylium husk tends to gel
Follow immediately with 16 oz of water
3 Dr. Christopher's Lower Bowel Capsules
At least five 16 oz servings of "Lemonade" (16 oz water, juice from two lemons, 2 tablespoons Grade B Organic Maple Syrup, cayenne pepper if desired. Ours came in the capsules)
Green juice as desired
3 more hoaky herbal pills
Herbal Tea if desired

Sound enticing? It isn't. It's hard.

OlderAndWiserToo, PseudoSister and I decided to try a cleanse. Why? Because a friend did it, and everyone should do something crazy, hoaky and herbal once in their life. I've never really considered myself once of those medicine women who buy into herbal remedies and healing. But it has been interesting to pretend to be one. We chose to follow the friend's lead with the "Lower Bowel Cleanse" and follow the above remedy for at least 3 days. We're going for five.

I had work at 5 am Monday morning so I got to begin "cleansing" alone in the quiet morning hours. I readied my glass of the psyllium husk mixture, but nothing could have prepared me for how horrible it was to choke down my gullet. (It looked like sawdust swirling around my cup and tasted like Sea Monkey food smells. If you've ever owned the microscopic pets, you know exactly what I'm talking about). I gagged several times as I downed the full 16 ounces. By the end I was kneeling on the floor, moments away from lying down in the fetal position and crying. The only thing going through my mind was that I only had to do it 4 more times. 4 more times. 4 more times. 4 more times. . .

To make sure the psyllium husk didn't form an indigestibal bolus in my colon I drank 24 more ounces of water before I left for work. Needless to say I didn't feel too hot. I had prepared some "lemonade" the night before, and shoved my purple Nalgene waterbottle full to the brim with the mixture in my bag before heading out the door.

I got to work and was assaulted with the smell of sausage and frenchtoast. It hit me then that this could be the worst week of my life. I tried to keep busy out of the kitchen, loading the van, organizing, putting dishes away, before having to finally break down and gather up the food. Soon enough I was on my way, hauling breakfast for 85 to Springville.

Never before has my sense of smell been heightened so acutely. Everything seems to be exuding enticing odors, begging my olfactory glands to just give in and let my mouth have a go at it. No! (I have to be emphatic. It's just too hard to be a softy this week).

I prepped the trays of muffins, danishes, fresh fruit, and bagels, and put out the cheesy scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, hashbrowns and french toast before going to the backroom and opening my waterbottle. It. Smelled. Horrible. I didn't know until then that I'm really not a fan of Grade B Organic Maple Syrup. But it was nearly 8:30 and my stomach was feeling a little empty. After taking a swig I sat and stared at the blueberry muffins. I WOULD HAVE KILLED A PUPPY FOR ONE OF THOSE MUFFINS.

After I was away from all the food and putting my equipment away the day got better. I kept myself busy, (mostly with making insanely frequent bathroom runs) and tried to down as much "lemonade." We went to Costco and bought 20 lemons, and a bottle of Superfood (green drink) aka: food for the week. It looked so meager as we spread it all out and began the juicing fest. Was this really all I was going to eat for 4 more days? Why was I doing this to myself again?

This morning I was woken up by OlderAndWiserToo and when she asked why I was still in bed I honestly replied, "Because I'm putting off drinking the psyllium husk."

It's going to get interesting.

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