Imperfect

While studying for my D&C test I was thinking a lot about the Prophet Joseph Smith and the events surrounding the First Vision. It's not surprising to me that the story is hard to swallow; that the facts are hard to wrap your mind around. Joseph Smith's life up until 1820 was not miraculous, he was just a simple farm boy. He wasn't schooled, nor was he able to do much beyond reading and writing. And yet, God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him in a grove of trees. After fervent prayer and much searching for which true was the right one, he had a vision and was asked to established the only true and living church upon the earth once more.

How could someone so ordinary see God? How could God use such an imperfect vessel to bring about His work? It seems too miraculous to think that just a boy saw Heavenly Father, but I find great comfort in the fact that even Joseph Smith, an imperfect man, was able to bring about such greatness. How much better am I suited in bringing about the work of God. We can do so much good and I know this, because the Lord his shown that he uses people with insecurities and bad habits--those who are selfish and unkind, those who set their hearts upon things of this world, and those with a myriad of other shortcomings--to build the Kingdom of Christ.

People

BrightBoy walked by while I was reading Dooce and all too astutely commented, "You love to read blogs."

True? True. Double true.

But I know I'm not alone, and whether it is a blog, the newspaper, or simply lending an eavesdropping ear across the table in the library, I think that people have an innate love affair with knowing what other people are up to.

Exhibit A: Gossip.

We crave to know the ins and outs of other people's lives. The question you probably ask more than any other throughout thy day is "How are you doing?" (or some other variation on the theme) and I don't think this is solely because we're being polite. I think people are curious. Sometimes you ask and hit goldmines. Other times you get thrown into a swamp you really didn't care to wade through, but regardless of the response, you asked. Because you care.

We all want the story, the goods, the "what's new?" and then we enjoy thrusting our own commentary on it, laughing at it, crying at it, commiserating with it . . . what have you. I'll be the first to admit that I absolutely love knowing what other people are doing. Even people I don't know. Because people are interesting. I find them fascinating and most of all (this will probably come across as remarkably hypocritical) people find themselves fascinating. So much so that they actually take time to write about themselves and go so far as to publish it! The dynamics of the whole thing is enthralling. People love to know about people and people love to tell you about it.

So yes, I do love reading blogs.

Poems

I love my creative writing class. It's a chance to finally put to use the things that I jot down and think about all the time. We just finished up our poetry unit and here is one hot off the press (or the Blogosphere).

In the Orange Glow of Apricots

The sunlight leapt, with my gaze, out the large glass windows
And into the yard, up the trunk.
There, light met the warm apricot tree in full bloom
The twisting branches reaching up remind me of the littleness of us
With tube socks and patterned stretch pants, scaling up the tree to the tippy top
Only to find we were too scared to climb back down alone.

We climbed in the attitude of invincibility,
The kind that cloaked our innocence in courage
And watched as our hands
Worked their way, branch over branch,
Beyond what we thought we could climb.
The summers slipped more slowly then,
With afternoons spent in saturated sunshine and swinging from limbs

Our invincibility lost vitality the day we found out
Your mom was sick in a serious way.
We ran to the base of the trunk and
In sunlit shadows climbed, this time with purpose, resolve,
Necessity to get above the news, up the branches to fresh air.
We sat there and breathed in the scent of orange and yellow fruit
Which was growing and dropping to the ground
Like us.

I went back a day ago to see it,
The gnarled bark wrapping towards the sky
Drew my eyes upward as I stood remembering the time
When we used to fit between the branches
And let the closeness of the leaves
Hold us while we watched the patterns of dancing light
And waited for the rain to stop.

Productivity

My toast was cold by the time the honey, practically creeping out of the the Honey Bear, was evenly spread on my toast. There are few things worse than cold toast. Cold toast is like eating a raw potato--completely unpleasant.

So I popped the toast in the microwave for 15 seconds (you may think this is excessive, but our microwave rivals me in age so it takes a little longer to heat things up). There are a myriad of pros and cons for using a microwave. Someone told me once that microwaves zap all the nutrients out of food. You put in a carrot and what you come out with is akin to Styrofoam in nutritional value. This may be true. But I love microwaves because it's like a mini time trial.

As soon as I hit the "start" button I like to see just how much I can accomplish before the timer dings. During my 15 seconds of microwave use today, I put away the salt and pepper shakers, twisted up the bag of potatoes and put them back, zipped up the cheese and placed it in the drawer in the fridge, and I wiped the counters. That is what I call productivity.

Harrible

This semester has been testing my will to be an art major. I've been putting off the 3D courses (ceramics and sculpture) because I really just haven't wanted to take them. And now I know why.

Despite the fact that I am forced into painful mental contortions to think in three-dimensions, I don't like the smells, the sounds, the mess or the process. I wake up every morning with absolute zero motivation to roll out of bed because I get to start my day, everyday, with three-dimensional exercises. I don't like this sort of exercise.

But today made me feel like I had real justification in my aversion to sculpture. We were watching a steel demo (forging, welding etc.) in the miserably cold annex to the building and I, bundled in knee socks, long pants, a turtleneck, a vest, and cotton-duct coveralls over top to boot, was freezing. As we were watching, through our Darth Vader helmets, the "miracle of welding" I noticed how awful it smells. Like burning. Finally it was my turn to step up to rusty steel table and give welding a go. My attempt was semi-successful and but as I lifted up my helmet to look at my beautiful silver bead, the girl behind me gasped and asked, "what is all over your back?" My first thought was, How should I know? I can't even see out the front of this thing, let alone the back. She began brushing off little black flecks of burnt something off my back and then it dawned on her (and me) that it was hair.

Yes, apparently the burning hot flames from the forge kindly licked the back of my head and took off a good 3 inches from the back of my hair. Lovely.

So here we are, 85 days away from the big day, and going in for an emergency haircut. Crisis control style. Strap me to a gurney.

Science

I was thinking about the rift everyone superimposes on science and religion. I heard a lecture last week where a religion faculty member spoke on the very issue, and for some reason I have been musing on it ever since.

I just don't believe there has to be such a disconnect. Maybe this is because I have found the sciences to completely magnify my belief in a Divine Creator. His hand is so apparent in my life everyday I don't doubt that He has been involved in enlightening minds of the great science and math thinkers since He put men here to think.

Biologist Hans Jochem Autrum said, "Science cannot find God, but the scientist can." I second that.

Revelation

I woke up this morning and promptly climbed into bed with OlderAndWiserToo. We started telling eachother about our outings the night before, but the conversation quickly turned to school and classes. She is taking a D&C class, as am I, and we shared some of the insights we have gained in just a few weeks of study.

I was inspired by her goal of recieving personal revelation through her study. I was hit once again with just how much the Lord has in store to pour upon us if we but search diligently and be believing. After conversing for nearly an hour, we both decided to get up and after grabbing a quick brunch, sitting down at the kitchen table and opening up the books of revelation made so accessible to us. The warm sunlight that illuminated the pages spread out on the table was a physical confirmation that I can be enlightened by the Spirit. I opened up to the Section we had been studying in class the time we last met and the words, like the sunshine, seemed to warm me, to wrap me in a feeling of pervasive fire that burns, eminating outward. My eyes began feeling their way through the verses and I stopped on these words:

For by my Spirit will I enlighten them, and by my power will I make known unto them the secrets of my will - yea, even those things which eye has not see, nor ear heard, nor yet entered into the heart of man.
D&C 76:10

It was incredible to know again in that moment that I can receive insights divinely tailored to fit my needs; needs that sometimes feel so big, I can't predict what will be large enough to fill the void. But true to what I have been taught and understood, there is power in the Comforter which so often resides within arm's reach.

Teenagedom

My teen years are officially behind me. It's strange to think about, but in all honestly doesn't feel any different. This weekend my birthday-tastic festivities included:

• A surprise party on Saturday night. Everyone was in on it. Except for me. I guess that's the definition of "surprise party."
• A breakfast with some of my most favorite ladies
• Dress shopping (I have decided that I'm picky. None of them scored above a B-)
• Reading poetry for an hour
• An afternoon with BrightBoy
• Dinner at Los Hermanos (it's tradition)
• Homework
• Getting to bed early

The only picture worth posting

Realize

I realize that there is a want for "the story" and pictures of the ring. BrightBoy and I are currently working on our joint version of the engagement narrative in detail (but all of the sudden school got in the way so it's slow in coming). However, I can post a few pictures to satisfy curiosity.

Popped

Well he did it. BrightBoy popped the Q Monday night and we made it official at Diego's Taco Shop. Because we're classy like that.

I'm not about to tell you that I suspected a thing. I was completely blindsided.

You'll get the full story later.

Laziness

OlderAndWiserToo: Is my bag over there?
Ardently: Yeah.
OlderAndWiserToo: Is it too far away?
Ardently: Well I can't touch it from here.
OlderAndWiserToo: Dang. Okay.

And neither of us moves. Ever.

Ligers

Ardently = avid online shopper. As such, I feel it my duty to open the eyes of those around me to the wonders of clearance sales, eco-friendly, fairly traded finds, and crafty online boutiques made available to the savvy digi-shopper. I don't think I've bought a book at retail price for over two years. Seriously.

I told BrightBoy to hop on the savings bandwagon, assuring him that shipping is hardly an issue when you're getting the item at 98% off anyway, and he bought textbooks outside of the incredibily overpriced, monopolizing bookstore on campus for the first time in his life. I was stunned.

My fingers have been crossed ever since. The books got delayed in shipping. One was sold out before the transaction went through so he had to reorder with another seller. It was possible another would never come. . . He was aprehensive, and all I wanted was for him to have the joy and satisfaction that I find in buying something for a steal-of-a-deal online, and then getting a parcel in the post! I maintain: there's nothing better.

The other night the two of us were studying and he pulled out one of his online gems. As soon as he cracked the spine I smelled something vaguley familiar. The sort of smell that transports you somewhere, like you smelled something once that was specific to that place, and you stored it away for nostalgia's sake. Like the smell of Barbie's or the hospital. After burying my nose in the pages for a few seconds it hit me. The Monte L. Bean Life Science Museum. As much as I tried to focus after that, it was all but a lost cause. Rather than doing a series of practice problems for my test, I day dreamed about ligers instead.

Snow

So this is what it feels like to live inside a snowglobe. Until this afternoon, I don't think I had seen the sky since last Friday. It was so refreshing to walk out of my class today and step onto sunlit walks, sparkling with melting snow. At work I can look out the window and see blue sky, sharply contrasted against the starkly white mountains. As much as I wish it were 90 degrees and sunny outside, there is something magical about the winter months.

Night falls earlier, and the people all return to their cozy living rooms when the sun goes down, but somehow the stillness outside is in anticipation for something. Like the whole world is waiting to jump back to life. It's quiet, yes, but not a lifeless, idle quiet. It's a clean, calm quiet. An encompassing queit. A thick quiet. And somehow, it doesn't get dark like it does in the warmer months. Every bit of light is reflected off a million tiny snowflakes that make Night glow in a haze of light. It looks like magic.

I paused in wonderment last night, after taking BrightBoy home, to look up and feel like I was staring at a sky not so far away. Everything felt close and calm. I felt the weight of the sky, like an embrace around my shoulders helping me understand the beauty of Winter. After the weight lifted, I was left to myself. Beaming.

Grow

It's a long time coming, but I haven't felt like I've had a solid bunch of resolutions to commit myself to yet. I love New Year's Resolutions, even silly ones, like the one I wrote in 2005 to "Eat a hotdog on the roof" or "paint my toenails green." They're spontaneous, and motivating, and stretching, and building. Those are the best things about them.

Instead of lengthy lists of the past, I think I'll just do three this year. Simple ones, that can grow with me.

1. Make my good habits consistent habits.
2. Serve before I play.
3. Sleep. It's about time.

Last year I resolved to do numerous things. I didn't run a triathlon, and I only made it to 3 countries, but I grew. (And taking baths, and a little time for TLC paved the way for doing so).